Outside of Psychology 101 at Northwestern, I have absolutely no mental health training. But I can tell you two things without any hesitation:
1) I’m struggling with anxiety, and
2) I’m struggling with a pervasive sadness.
As the pandemic drags on with accompanying limits on work, travel, and human interaction, it’s important that we notice anything out of the ordinary with our mental health, and talk about it honestly with trusted friends or loved ones.
Lately, I’ve been working on Sudoku puzzles quite a bit. It’s not unusual for me to stay up as late as 3 AM finishing puzzle after puzzle, one after another. I’ve always enjoyed this type of mental puzzle, but this is different. This is obsessive. It’s a manifestation of my anxiety.
I first noticed this behavior in June when we were still early in the pandemic, and there was mounting uncertainty regarding my job prospects for the remainder of 2020. With each passing day, the uncertainty began to severely erode my motivation and outlook.
Even if I was tired, I wouldn’t go to sleep. What need was there to sleep when there was nothing to do the next morning? Or the next? Or, for that matter, any morning for the foreseeable future?
Sudoku was my escape. In those 20 minutes it took to solve the ‘Graduate’ level puzzles on my favorite site, I had a purpose and a clear goal. Each completed puzzle meant that, at the very least, I’d done something constructive with my day.
As 2020 progressed my sudoku habit waned. A couple of job opportunities kept me occupied and gave me a ray of hope on the job front. But now that we’re again on the precipice of a larger second wave (and looming national shutdown with bleak employment prospects), I’m slipping back into my 3 AM habit.
This time is different. The anxiety is accompanied by a pervasive sadness; a feeling that almost anything I hear, read, or see will bring me to tears. My anxiety is a feeling of uncertainty for my future. The sadness, however, seems to be the accumulated spillover from a year of continual losses.
The almost complete loss of income and future work as a professional tennis official. The lost ability to see my parents and family in Ohio. The complete loss of a human touch other than my partner (I’m a big hugger). There are non-COVID losses as well, like the death of my dear friend with ALS, or the loss of feeling safe as a Black man even in this most liberal part of the country.
All of this combined with watching friends deal with COVID long-haul symptoms or even COVID-related deaths of their loved ones. I don’t know how anyone can help but feel an immense sense of sadness under these circumstances.
The one ‘positive’ in all of this, if one can call it that, is that I’m not the only one. We’re all dealing with these same issues to one degree or another. I hope that by honestly writing about my pandemic mental health struggles, I can help someone else who is feeling the same way.
Keep a finger on the pulse of your mental health. Be honest with yourself when you notice that something isn’t right. I like Sudoku, but Sudoku at 3 AM is more than just solving a puzzle. Something isn’t right with me, and I need to do something different i.e. use a better coping mechanism.
Remember that you’re not alone in this pandemic hell. If you’re feeling anxious, sad, and/or hopeless, please talk to someone. Don’t email or text. Pick up the phone and call someone. Better yet, video conference with friends so they can see you and pick up on any clues that might help them see that you’re in distress.
When I shared my anxiety with my partner, I gained an ally to help me cope. When I share these feelings with my buddies on our daily video check-in, I feel more grounded. It’s not enough just to make it through this hard time. I want to come out on the other side feeling better than ‘okay’. To do that, I will need to pay attention to the warning signs of my mental health and respond as needed.
Vaccine or not, we’re in this mess for at least another 6 months to one year. Taking care of our mental health is just as important as wearing a mask, washing our hands, and physically distancing. Please… let’s make it to the other side together.
Kevin,
This is such an important message. Thank you for expressing it in such a personal and accessible way. All of our mental health has been affected by this pandemic and it is important to acknowledge this and share it with each other. At the very least, you realize you are not alone. In addition, as you suggest, there are positive ways of coping and it is good to share these with each other. Thank you.